champouf posted Tired. on Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I've seen many who has failed and failed time and time again. Yet they tirelessly pick themselves up and try again for another time. You can see the fatigue, the hopelessness, the exhaustion embedded in their eyes. I looked into the mirror today, and I found myself seeing the same. It is difficult to continue, it is even harder to give up and start again. It takes a huge toll on me to just smile and pretend everything is okay every single time.
No relationship is perfect and I know that, but it feels embarrassing to know that your relationship is not going as well as you had hoped. I am not trying to let the whole world know that my relationship is in a rut, but it is just that I needed a space to just let everything out. All the drama and tension has been bottled up inside me for far too long and I need to blow off some steam before it becomes too severe for me to handle. This relationship has not been all pain and agony, I admit there were many a times when I felt like I was on top of the world. However lately, maybe combined with stress from my school work, I just feel like I everything is going against me. And when I need support and help from him, he never seems to be bothered about me.
It was then I realized how selfish one can be. When it is stuff that doesn't concern him, he doesn't seem to treat it with much importance as how he would treat his own clients and businesses. I started to feel less and less significant in his world and this used to bother me a lot back then, but as of now, I just don't feel as bothered as before.
Just to clarify, I am not here to bring him under the spotlight of blame and shame, I just wish he would listen to me speak. Because whenever we argue, he will always be the first one who wants to get out of it, like as if he believes that he can skip the conversation part and go straight to the part where everything is hunky dory again. Perhaps it is because the more we try to speak to each other, the more I will tend to get pissed off and things will start to get really dicey.
However, once again, his work is more important than me, so he just left in a hurry without coming to any conclusion. Lately the relationship has really become one-sided. I don't feel the unity between us any more. Maybe to him, it is a good thing since he has more time for himself, but I know I hate this feeling.
In the end, maintaining a relationship requires two people to work together or at least try to make things work. But maybe he has a different definition for relationship entirely.
I don't know ... I just feel so tired, so exhausted ... feeling that this is so unnecessary.
Labels: foodforthought