champouf posted Cruelty. on Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Abstract 01:
I gazed upon her eyes: swollen with regret and heartaches. It was obvious to me, hell, it was obvious to everyone that she was unhappy. As to the reason why she was falling to pieces, nobody knew. But I had a hunch. Her relationship was the causality. It was inevitable I supposed: I guessed I had always felt that they were not meant to be. As she stared back at me, she sniffled back her tears. If she was feeling so unhappy, why not just break up with the guy she was with? There is simply no joy in continuing one's anguish. Such irony. I could not say much, I did not want to say much. I just continued staring at her unflattering state of pain.
I sighed, she sighed too.
I took a deep breath and proceeded to ask what the problem was. That was when all her problems poured out at one go: all the disappointments, all the times where she bottled up her emotions and feelings. It was one hell of a ride. I closed my eyes and just listened to her go on. All the time when she felt like giving up on the relationship, she could not, because she was not strong enough to go back out to the world alone and vulnerable. Every time she felt disappointed by her partner, she just shut it up to herself as she did not want people to know how broken down her relationship was. My voice of reason whispered into my ear, "How fucking stupid is she ..." What was the point of continuing if there is simply no more hope left in the relationship? There is no more trust, no more love, no more bond between the two.
Many would say that having a long term relationship would result in many problems, but I've always believed that if the relationship was meant to be, both parties will definitely want to change for the better; both parties will want to solve the problem no matter how long it took; both parties will come out of it stronger than before because that was how much both of them treasured the relationship. However, if both parties are unwilling to step forward to make the change; unwilling to solve the problem sincerely; unwilling to continue suffering under the hardships, then both parties should just fucking break up.
She continued pouring out her sorrows to me, and perhaps it was because of the fact that this was not the first time it had happened, I felt neutral to it all. I tried my best to feel the slightest bit of sympathy of her, but I could not. It seemed like I was immune to it all - the tears, the swollen cheeks, the cries of agony. It was all too familiar and somewhat annoying. I drew my head back, with my eyes still closed, but ears open to her ramblings and complaints. God, how I wished I could just draw a hole and jump into it, then maybe I can finally reside in a world without emotions. If only.
Time felt slow. I gazed upon her mouth. Her lips were moving, but they were not making any sound. I guessed even my consciousness was desperate to just get out of there. "Communication is the key ... " I heard her mumble - what a load of bullcrap. What good is communication when in real fact no action is done to settle the issue behind it all. Sure one could promise to change, to alter, to forgo past mistakes, but when no action was taken, communication is as good as bullcrap along the side of a road.
I snapped.
I shut her up. I told her to zip it. I just needed a moment of silence, and so did she. All I wanted for her was to get away from that guy. To stop all her sadness, to stop all her nonsense. She felt it was impossible to let go and as she told me that, she clenched onto pictures; pictures of her and her so called 'loved one'. I wanted to just pry those pictures off her fingers and ripped those into shreds. Fake. Those pictures were all fake. Those smiles, those laughs, those hugs - they were all staged and she should know it. Or I thought she did.
The room grew dark. It was getting late, and I was getting weary. I looked at her again, hoping to be released of such torture of listening to her for hours. She looked back at me. She seemed to have gotten my message which I had been trying to tell her since the beginning. She nodded her head as I nodded mine. It was settled, I could finally go. She closed her eyes as I closed mine.
I took a deep breath and opened my eyes again; sitting in an empty room, staring at my reflection in the mirror. All I saw was this girl, me, beaten down by her own emotions. Tears started running down her cheeks, and on mine. What irony.
End of Abstract 01.
Labels: food for thought, mythoughtsonpaper, ramblings