Many a times I find myself worrying about the future - dreading the worst that I won't be able to live a life that is worth mentioning. I see my friends all anticipating to reap the profits they have sown: both blood and tears, but my fears lie dormant in those days. I apprehend the very thought of me not having a new chapter of my life to open to ... and that is how bad I envisioned my life to be.

Despite people in their best efforts to soothe my very deranged mind, I still somehow managed to scare the lights out of me at the end of the day.

"It is just pure madness ... "

It is not that I do not try, or I give up easily. I'm a realist ... perhaps too much of a realist for my own good sake. I over-analyze things, and most of the time I do so with a very bad mental state. So yes, I worry too much. I know I had tried my best in my past endeavors, but it was brought to my forlorn attention, that it always boils down to how well others perform compared to you. No matter how hard you try, if someone does it better, even with little effort, he still surpasses you nevertheless.

My heart and mind are ridden with such self-pity that it makes me sick to the bone that I had fallen to such belittlement, that even I myself, hate me. You may think that my rattling may be due to a clause of time that I have to undergo every single month, but I assure you my dear friends, that this does not come close to what I have to say when that very time comes. For now, let's stick to what I have.

Even my dearest beloved ones all around me, are pouring their hearts out, hoping I would take at least one of their suggestions: overseas courses, private courses or just courses that are easy to get in. I can't simplify this enough, but I entirely abhor such cases. I do not like moving overseas to take a course which I don't like, and I don't intend to waste 3 years of my life to bury myself in a course I do not fancy. What more can I say?

I don't mean to be impudent, but what I say is true.

The holidays have given me a lot to think about. I have sought out my life passions and found out that even though I am not exactly what you call a professional, I still enjoy what I do. Unfortunately, this still sums up to who does it better in real life. Even my passions are stained with what society perceives as 'healthy competition'. My fucking ass it is.

So, my past few weeks have be doused with depression, self-hatred and mostly deep thoughts conceived in the shower. Yes I think a lot when I am bathing because I simply do not like partaking the enjoyment of scrutinizing my naked body. Moving on. I have come to a conclusion that if I do not make it, I will at least try once more before striking onto the path for my passion in baking. My parents still find it a waste of my time as they somehow think that being a 20year old girl lady, I can fully think for myself. (Actually I do doubt my ability in that too ... )

Many aspects of my life seem so bleak right now ... even I have contemplating digging up a cave in a remote island and probably live my days out there tendering sheep. On the contrary, my hubby has an entirely different story laid out for me.

That is why I love him so much. No matter what happens, he will always include me in his plans :) And because of that, I have the assurance that I have a future ahead of me. Even though it may not be smooth-sailing, he told me with greatness in his eyes, that he would protect me and work his brains out just to grant me comfort.

My dearest hubby, I thank you so much for always looking out for me, constantly caring for me with your never-ending love and support. It might not be the path my parents would want me to take, but as long as I am with you, I believe that it is the only future I will ever enjoy. Whatever happens, I promise to be by your side always, supporting you wherever you go. Thank you my dearest for putting in so much effort in the building of our future together. I, too, will work hard beside you. I love you my adorable wintermelon. :)