champouf posted A little crack in the heart. on Thursday, December 26, 2013
From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:
I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
I believe many are familiar with this paragraph depicting how rewarding love can be for one. The past few days have been quite .. tedious for me, taking into account the fact that Christmas is a season of giving, and intimacy: be it with family members or your significant other. Unfortunately, my Christmas this year wasn't as merrily as I had hoped.
Many are too hard-headed to admit they have relationship problems, let alone write it on a blog. I am guilty of posting all my problems - relationship wise and so on, onto my blog. But not as a means to get back on my SO, but as a means of venting my anger and frustrations. You would have asked why not vent it on him instead? Or share it with him? Unfortunately I do not have such a luxury of sharing my feelings. I have to admit that I've been struggling the past few weeks in terms of my relationship; our fights are getting more frequent, we can't stand the sight of each other, and the term 'break up' has been used one too many as a threat to the other party. My relationship is never perfect, because I am imperfect. Many a times I find myself asking myself this question, "Is it really worth it?" The simplest solution (if you're unhappy, just break it off, no point risking your happiness for someone not worth it) is not always the easiest. But the worst part is that I can't share my feelings with anyone except this blog. I know how pathetic it sounds.
Backing up to the main topic; if I had the choice, I would choose never to have loved at all.
Choosing love means you are willing to open your heart to the other, making you vulnerable. And in my case, I am exceptionally vulnerable emotionally. I am one who has this need to share with someone, to connect with someone on a deeper level, going beyond physical intimacy. I need to be able to pour my feelings to him, knowing that he won't judge and won't push me away. But my partner is not the same person, he sees no need for sharing, he doesn't like to concern himself with such he deems as unnecessary. Even a toddler can tell that we are incompatible for one another. And that is something many have told me before. I've always regarded it as white noise, well ... until recently. I am beginning to see how incompatible we really are. We both want different things from each other, having different goals, personalities that are worlds apart etc. And the most important fact is that we don't put each other as our top priority. I used to do so, but only after realizing that I'm not the most important person in his life, I thought that I shouldn't torture myself as such.
It may seem that the most obvious answer is to break up - I would ... The problem lies in the fact that I still love him.
If only I had the strength to leave.
So if you asked me if it's better to have loved or lost than never to have loved at all ... My answer to you is this, if you aren't able to withstand the heartbreaks, the emotional warfare, the whole 'drama', it is truly better to have never loved at all.